"You are responsible for your emotions." Owning your emotions, being empowered but also not being gaslit about the validity of what you feel.
- Jul 28
- 7 min read
Have you ever found yourself reeling after someone said:“You’re responsible for your emotions” especially just after they’ve said or done something that felt hurtful to you?
Did you just stand there for a moment, not sure what to say? It hurt you and knocked you back a bit, but equally, on the surface, it sounded wise and emotionally intelligent. For a moment you don’t know how to respond.
While it can be emotionally intelligent but it can also be said to you to be manipulative. It depends on the timing, tone, and intention of the person saying it to you.
If you feel upset when something like this is said to you, that it is a valid response for you. To be told this statement can feel like a shutdown, a denial of your emotional experience, or even an unfair way for someone to dodge accountability. Or it can be someone’s ‘knee jerk’ reaction to be defensive and make it about them and not you.
So, where does this idea of “You’re responsible for your emotions” come from? It is rooted in several psychological and therapeutic traditions:
Firstly, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) teaches that our thoughts influence emotions, and that taking ownership of your internal experience is empowering.
Secondly, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) emphasises that other people’s actions may trigger emotions, but they don’t cause them. Your emotional reaction is shaped by your needs, expectations, and beliefs.
Thirdly, Mindfulness and Stoic Philosophy promote emotional regulation, Mindfulness encourages you observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment, notice your internal reactions and give yourself a moment before acting. So you respond to events, not just react in an immediate, automatic and possibly emotional charged way.
Stoic Philosophy encourages you to focus on only on what you can control, your thoughts, attitudes, and action and not external events. This can help you to remain calm and rational, even in situations of adversity.
In these contexts, taking responsibility for your emotions is an act of self-awareness, agency, and growth.
See my P.P.S. at the end of this letter for journal prompts to reflect on these concepts.
Focussing on your emotions, being your responsibility, is helpful and
emotional responsibility is a powerful tool.
Some thoughts about how this concept can be positive:
1. Empowerment: You learn not to outsource your wellbeing to others’ behaviour. You stop blaming others for your reactions. In healthy relationships, this mindset can foster mutual respect and emotional maturity.
2. Self-regulation: Emotions become information, not commands. It helps you step back, reflect, and respond with intention.
3. Freedom: It frees you from emotional dependency on others’ moods or behaviours. You stop trying to fix or manage other people’s emotions. This is particularly valuable if you: tend to people-please at the expense of your own needs and or are recovering from codependency.
4. Resilience: You can respond calmly, rather than instantly react. This can be helpful if you struggle with emotional reactivity or impulsivity and do and say things you may regret later.
But…that same phrase can feel hurtful or invalidating…
Being told: “You’re responsible for your emotions” can definitely sting in some circumstances. This is because it can be used:
1. To deflect accountability (“I can say what I want—it’s not my problem how you feel.”)
2. To dismiss emotional feedback (“You’re overreacting; that’s on you.”)
3. To gaslight you by subtly implying that your emotional pain isn’t valid or real.
In these moments, the phrase functions more like a shield against empathy, rather than an invitation to shared understanding.
4. As a defence mechanism for the person saying it, where they make it all about them and see unfair blame and unkind criticism; rather than listening to other person explaining their feelings.
The key distinction about whether this is positive or negative statement, lies in context and intent but you don’t always know that intent of the person or understand their reactions fully as you may not be aware of the other events in their life or their history of experiences. This does not take away from the possible negative use of: “You’re responsible for your emotions”. But it does mean that having a conversation about what has been said to you, can bring benefit for everyone.
If you’ve been hurt and want to open up a healthy, respectful conversation, aim to assert your feelings without blame. Encourage shared emotional responsibility for both parties, but also accountability for the impact of what we say to others and the possible negative impact it can have.
See my P.S. at the end of letter, for lots of helpful ways to respond, when you have been hurt by someone telling you to be responsible for your emotions.
Some examples of a healthy use of suggesting people need to be responsible for their emotions are:
- “I care about how you feel, but I know I can’t control your emotions.”
- “I want to hear you, even though I know your emotions are your responsibility.”
- “Let’s talk about what this triggered for both of us.”
But equally it can be helpful to explain what a hurtful use of this concept can be:
- “You’re upset? That’s your issue, not mine.”
- “I didn’t do anything wrong. Your feelings are your problem.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
So Where’s the Line between good and bad? Well, it is never that clear cut is it? Yes, we must own our reactions, but that doesn’t mean we are always overreacting or what we said or did was not valid response in a particular situation. There will be times where we are struggling with a situation or feeling overwhelmed or hurt or unheard and it is important to be able to share your feelings and thought processes with others. Sometimes, our actions and emotions are a healthy response to unhealthy behaviour or challenging situation. But equally it is healthy to work on our resilience and be more mindful and understand our own emotions and be empowered by taking ownership of them.
In a healthy relationship both people should try to cultivate self awareness of their own triggers. Being honest about the impact of one’s words and actions is important for both sides to reduce any harm caused and to develop a shared sense of empathy and consideration.
The concept behind: owning your emotions and being empowered but also not being gaslit about the validity of what you feel; can be a profound reminder of personal power but it can also be a painful way to silence someone else’s expression of their experiences and feelings.
Healthy relationships thrive ..
When both people take responsibility for their emotions, but also for the impact of their words, responses and actions.
Where there is an active interest in the other person’s feelings, beliefs and experiences without feeling the need to ‘fix’ them.
Where there is a mutual providing of a safe space to speak, where it is comfortable to express vulnerability and be open and honest.
Where both people listen actively and respond genuinely with care and consideration.
Somewhere here, true communication begins.
If you would like a free Discovery Call to discuss how Health and Wellbeing coaching could support you, please book one today. There is zero pressure to sign up for coaching, just a chat about coaching and what support you may need.
With warmth,
Melissa | Elixir Coaching
P.S. Conversation responses to “You’re responsible for your emotions”
1. “I agree that I’m responsible for my emotions, but I also want to share that what was said had an impact on me.”
This shows emotional ownership and invites awareness of their role.
2. “Yes, I’m managing my reaction. But I’d like to talk about how the situation unfolded and how it felt hurtful to me.”
This validates their statement without dismissing your experience.
3. “I’m not blaming you for how I feel, but I do believe emotions happen in a context, and I’d like us to reflect on what happened together.”
This highlights the difference between blame and healthy relationship insight.
4. “You’re right, my emotions are mine to manage. But emotional responsibility also means creating space for open dialogue when something causes hurt.”
This invites mutual maturity.
5. “I’m working on staying self-aware, and I’d love if we could also be open about how our words and actions affect each other.”
This encourages a relationship perspective rather than individual emotional silos.
6. “I’m not expecting you to fix my feelings, but rather an understanding where I’m coming from might help us avoid miscommunication next time.”
This brings a proactive spirit to the discussion.
7. “That statement made me feel dismissed, even though I know you may not have intended it that way. Can we talk about this more openly?”
This focuses on the impact, not the intent.
8. “I care about our connection, and for me, part of emotional responsibility is talking things through when they feel off.”
This affirms your desire to maintain trust and closeness.
9. “Telling someone ‘you’re responsible for your emotions’ can sometimes shut down deeper communication. Can we stay curious about each other’s experience instead?”
This points out that relationships grow best when both people care about how their words land.
P.P.S. Journal prompts or points for reflection
- In what ways have I made others responsible for my happiness or peace of mind?
- What am I truly feeling beneath the surface? Is my emotional response tied to past wounds or the present situation?
- Have I clearly communicated my needs or boundaries?
- Is the person that I am interacting with, showing care for the impact of their words? Are they using this phrase to open or shut down dialogue?
- Does the person I am communicating with, consistently avoid responsibility or refuse to repair ruptures?
- What emotions did I feel in response to being told to be responsible for my own emotions? (confusion, hurt, rejection, defensiveness, empowerment, freedom, etc)? What did that feeling reveal about what I needed in that moment?
- How do I distinguish between taking ownership of my emotions and allowing someone else to avoid accountability for theirs? Reflect on the difference between healthy self-awareness and emotional gaslighting. Where do you draw the line in relationships?
- When could I have responded to someone by telling them that they are responsible for their actions and how they treat others; and how would this have felt to me?
- In which situations do I find myself dismissing my own emotional experience?Do I tend to suppress my feelings to avoid conflict or to appear ‘reasonable’?
- What does emotional responsibility look and sound like in a respectful, two-way relationship?
- What would it feel like to be emotionally responsible and emotionally validated at the same time? Describe a scenario where you feel fully empowered in your emotional world and also seen and respected by someone else.
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